Learning to Forgive

i'm a nothing but a big softy once someone apologizes to me. i'm so incredibly polarized. i'm obstinate, volatile, stubborn and extremely opinionated when i feel that i've been wronged. then like flipping a switch, once the offender apologizes to me all is quickly forgiven; even if my anger has burned within my being for 20 years.

i've often wondered why i'm wired that way. it's a victim's mentality. and nothing pisses me off more than someone that continually plays the victim. it's more of the duality to life that i find so fascinating. i burn bright, or rather explode in a effervescent display of fireworks of passion, to only quickly burn out and loose interest. i obsess and tire, never seeing anything through to completion once the compulsion wears thin. how do i learn to burn evenly and thoroughly?

she isn't the first person to tell me i'm too hard on myself and others, even though we haven't spoken in 20 years. i'm so transparent. i'm rough on myself because i expect more from others, while i am rough on others because i expect more from myself. i live a twisted existence that i've tried to keep from my own self awareness. i'm everything i despise because i despise myself. where did this self-loathing manifest itself? what happened, or didn't happen, to make me so bitter?

my father didn't want me. my step-father didn't want me. my mother chose other issues over me. dixon didn't want me. zbt ua didn't want me. whether this is true or twisted perception is hard to quantify. but it's no wonder i'm so fucked up and angry at the world. if my perception of abandonment is true, then they all missed out on something special. it's their loss, not mine and i should give what they didn't want to those around me that do. if i'm wrong, then i need to stop being so quick to believe my life is so simple as me against the world. i continually wait for the other shoe to drop and to not be wanted so that i can be abandoned, looked over and mad as hell about it.

it fuels my existence, which is obvious to even the most obtuse as being a destructive way of life. so judgmental am i, the one fearful and angry about the judging of ones self. i've never fit in. yet, i've never allowed anyone else to fit into me either. as much as i claim to know who i am, i really have no idea. i'm conscience enough to know that i have few answers, but unwilling to look deeper into my own dysfunction.

my memory is convenient most of the time. i don't like looking at my own flaws or weaknesses. i disdain even the most constructive criticism and tips from others that want me to succeed and excel. i'm convinced that i know everything and that my opinions are correct when everyone else's are wrong. "look at me, look at me!!! i'm special. can't you see it? i'm perfect. can't you feel it?"

is everyone as fucked up as i am? i often wonder if i'm in one of those beaver cleaver false perception worlds where i think everyone around is so together, when in reality they're just as lost as i. that's what angers me about classmates. everyone is posturing and posing about how perfect their lives are. i refuse to believe it. it makes me scream, "fuck you!" at the top of my lungs. these fake bastards haven't changed a bit since high school. or is it their lives really are perfect, at least to them? perhaps they don't hold on to emotional baggage or to society's supposed expectations. life is good, they're content with what they have and what they've accomplished. they have always felt that they fit into their role in society and comfortable in their own skins. my screaming at them is like screaming at a wall. they won't hear me because they don't have to have my opinion or acceptance. their lives have met their own expectations and they are content. and i, merely jealous that they once again retain the secret to happiness that i keep overlooking.

i am convinced that there is an answer out there in the mist of reality for all my questions to life. there is an answer to creation, the meaning of life, the secret to happiness the answer to success. maybe the right answer is that there is no one answer. it's different for everyone. i can beg for the answer. i can be pissed that others have it when i think that i don't. i can be spiteful that no one will give me the answer and that they're selfishly holding on and not sharing. but they can't give it to me. their answer won't work for me. it's like a key that only fits one lock. i need to spend more time finding the key and less time convincing myself that everyone else's key is what i'm missing. it would do me no good even if i had it.

she was the first woman to take me inside her. she'll always be special. she broke my heart. she'll never be forgotten. but she will be forgiven.