Fear and Insecurity in Las Veins

I've been spending a considerable amount of time, all of it overdue, trying to understand what makes me tick. Why am I filled with such anger, hate, cynicism and disdain for everything I deem as insignificant, stupid or different?


I wasn't always like this. In high school I like to believe that I was open minded. I listened to hardcore punk, went to shows and believed in the power of individuality. My youth was far from perfect, but even in the middle of my shit pool of a life I was positive in many ways.

I'm filled with fear and insecurity. Anything that threatens my person earns my hate. Any person that's ostracized me gets my hate in return for their entire people. Anything I don't understand gets my disapproval.

I've literally turned into everything that I despised as a youth. Somewhere along the line I stopped viewing life's obstacles as challenges and starting looking at everything coming my way as yet another attempt to keep me down. The world is out to shit on me.

I am a victim. I am filled with hate for you and everything you are about. I side with the most outrageous and egregious peoples and philosophies to call attention that I hate you. I say it because it gives me power. I need power because I'm afraid that you're better than me, stronger than me, better looking than me. You intimidate me because I have no self confidence. Before you can hurt me in any way, I call you names about your race, religion, music, style of dress, intellect and anything else that will put you beneath me in my eyes.

I am shit. I try to bring you down below my level to make myself feel better about my perceived inequalities, injustices and small penis size. I want to be liked. I want to be admired. I want acceptance so badly that I'll say and do almost anything, most of it complete lies if it'll impress you. I hate me and most of all you. Because nothing I do is good enough. I need your attention. I am shit.

This isn't who I was. It is now who I am. It must end.