I've been spending a considerable amount of time, all of it overdue, trying to understand what makes me tick. Why am I filled with such anger, hate, cynicism and disdain for everything I deem as insignificant, stupid or different?
I wasn't always like this. In high school I like to believe that I was open minded. I listened to hardcore punk, went to shows and believed in the power of individuality. My youth was far from perfect, but even in the middle of my shit pool of a life I was positive in many ways.
I'm filled with fear and insecurity. Anything that threatens my person earns my hate. Any person that's ostracized me gets my hate in return for their entire people. Anything I don't understand gets my disapproval.
I've literally turned into everything that I despised as a youth. Somewhere along the line I stopped viewing life's obstacles as challenges and starting looking at everything coming my way as yet another attempt to keep me down. The world is out to shit on me.
I am a victim. I am filled with hate for you and everything you are about. I side with the most outrageous and egregious peoples and philosophies to call attention that I hate you. I say it because it gives me power. I need power because I'm afraid that you're better than me, stronger than me, better looking than me. You intimidate me because I have no self confidence. Before you can hurt me in any way, I call you names about your race, religion, music, style of dress, intellect and anything else that will put you beneath me in my eyes.
I am shit. I try to bring you down below my level to make myself feel better about my perceived inequalities, injustices and small penis size. I want to be liked. I want to be admired. I want acceptance so badly that I'll say and do almost anything, most of it complete lies if it'll impress you. I hate me and most of all you. Because nothing I do is good enough. I need your attention. I am shit.
This isn't who I was. It is now who I am. It must end.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Superficial Hate
Like the beckoning icing on cake filled with all of the temptations of evil decadence, I'm covered with a thin film of hate. My anger is on the surface ready to erupt like a quick tempered volcano and quick to cool like microwaved TV dinner on a Monday night counter top in middle America.
I was driving to Wal-Mart to pick up some cold medicine for my daughter when before me was a big rig in the opposite direction blocking my left turn only lane into the store. He was trying to cross over the multi-lane road to get into a rock/landscaping business that has quickly become out of place as the area becomes a major urban hub of strip mall commerce. It's 8 o'clock in the morning, there's hardly any traffic and there's another turn lane for me to get even closer to the front door about 50 yards ahead. Without any conscious intervention on my behalf, my right foot slammed the gas pedal forward and my left arm flew out the driver's side window to promptly flip off the unsuspecting trucker.
Why? As soon as my arm and attached middle digit returned to the warmth of my aging SUV from it's mission of frustration in the looming fall air, I was asking myself, "What the fuck was that about?" I harbor anger and frustration that lashes from me with ease and surprises even the owner of the mouth from which it defecates into existence.
I hate everything and everyone. I'd be a bigot if it weren't the fact that I hate most white people, too. It isn't even about ignorance, it's about something else in my psyche that I haven't figured out yet. While immigrants, Jews and people of color have earned a right to harbor expectations of apology for their suffering through the 20th century, I've anointed myself the right to be bitter to the core that I can't. I prefer to side myself with the evilness of people that have caused society's most horrific pain and idolize their willingness to cross the line of humanity. And I don't know why that I do.
It scares me. I can tell you all the reasons why the things I've said and think are wrong, yet feel nothing inside of me solidify the conviction that they are truly vile. Why am I such the frustrated victim? Why am I so angry? I hate myself and all I see around me. I hate myself.
I was driving to Wal-Mart to pick up some cold medicine for my daughter when before me was a big rig in the opposite direction blocking my left turn only lane into the store. He was trying to cross over the multi-lane road to get into a rock/landscaping business that has quickly become out of place as the area becomes a major urban hub of strip mall commerce. It's 8 o'clock in the morning, there's hardly any traffic and there's another turn lane for me to get even closer to the front door about 50 yards ahead. Without any conscious intervention on my behalf, my right foot slammed the gas pedal forward and my left arm flew out the driver's side window to promptly flip off the unsuspecting trucker.
Why? As soon as my arm and attached middle digit returned to the warmth of my aging SUV from it's mission of frustration in the looming fall air, I was asking myself, "What the fuck was that about?" I harbor anger and frustration that lashes from me with ease and surprises even the owner of the mouth from which it defecates into existence.
I hate everything and everyone. I'd be a bigot if it weren't the fact that I hate most white people, too. It isn't even about ignorance, it's about something else in my psyche that I haven't figured out yet. While immigrants, Jews and people of color have earned a right to harbor expectations of apology for their suffering through the 20th century, I've anointed myself the right to be bitter to the core that I can't. I prefer to side myself with the evilness of people that have caused society's most horrific pain and idolize their willingness to cross the line of humanity. And I don't know why that I do.
It scares me. I can tell you all the reasons why the things I've said and think are wrong, yet feel nothing inside of me solidify the conviction that they are truly vile. Why am I such the frustrated victim? Why am I so angry? I hate myself and all I see around me. I hate myself.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Learning to Forgive
i'm a nothing but a big softy once someone apologizes to me. i'm so incredibly polarized. i'm obstinate, volatile, stubborn and extremely opinionated when i feel that i've been wronged. then like flipping a switch, once the offender apologizes to me all is quickly forgiven; even if my anger has burned within my being for 20 years.
i've often wondered why i'm wired that way. it's a victim's mentality. and nothing pisses me off more than someone that continually plays the victim. it's more of the duality to life that i find so fascinating. i burn bright, or rather explode in a effervescent display of fireworks of passion, to only quickly burn out and loose interest. i obsess and tire, never seeing anything through to completion once the compulsion wears thin. how do i learn to burn evenly and thoroughly?
she isn't the first person to tell me i'm too hard on myself and others, even though we haven't spoken in 20 years. i'm so transparent. i'm rough on myself because i expect more from others, while i am rough on others because i expect more from myself. i live a twisted existence that i've tried to keep from my own self awareness. i'm everything i despise because i despise myself. where did this self-loathing manifest itself? what happened, or didn't happen, to make me so bitter?
my father didn't want me. my step-father didn't want me. my mother chose other issues over me. dixon didn't want me. zbt ua didn't want me. whether this is true or twisted perception is hard to quantify. but it's no wonder i'm so fucked up and angry at the world. if my perception of abandonment is true, then they all missed out on something special. it's their loss, not mine and i should give what they didn't want to those around me that do. if i'm wrong, then i need to stop being so quick to believe my life is so simple as me against the world. i continually wait for the other shoe to drop and to not be wanted so that i can be abandoned, looked over and mad as hell about it.
it fuels my existence, which is obvious to even the most obtuse as being a destructive way of life. so judgmental am i, the one fearful and angry about the judging of ones self. i've never fit in. yet, i've never allowed anyone else to fit into me either. as much as i claim to know who i am, i really have no idea. i'm conscience enough to know that i have few answers, but unwilling to look deeper into my own dysfunction.
my memory is convenient most of the time. i don't like looking at my own flaws or weaknesses. i disdain even the most constructive criticism and tips from others that want me to succeed and excel. i'm convinced that i know everything and that my opinions are correct when everyone else's are wrong. "look at me, look at me!!! i'm special. can't you see it? i'm perfect. can't you feel it?"
is everyone as fucked up as i am? i often wonder if i'm in one of those beaver cleaver false perception worlds where i think everyone around is so together, when in reality they're just as lost as i. that's what angers me about classmates. everyone is posturing and posing about how perfect their lives are. i refuse to believe it. it makes me scream, "fuck you!" at the top of my lungs. these fake bastards haven't changed a bit since high school. or is it their lives really are perfect, at least to them? perhaps they don't hold on to emotional baggage or to society's supposed expectations. life is good, they're content with what they have and what they've accomplished. they have always felt that they fit into their role in society and comfortable in their own skins. my screaming at them is like screaming at a wall. they won't hear me because they don't have to have my opinion or acceptance. their lives have met their own expectations and they are content. and i, merely jealous that they once again retain the secret to happiness that i keep overlooking.
i am convinced that there is an answer out there in the mist of reality for all my questions to life. there is an answer to creation, the meaning of life, the secret to happiness the answer to success. maybe the right answer is that there is no one answer. it's different for everyone. i can beg for the answer. i can be pissed that others have it when i think that i don't. i can be spiteful that no one will give me the answer and that they're selfishly holding on and not sharing. but they can't give it to me. their answer won't work for me. it's like a key that only fits one lock. i need to spend more time finding the key and less time convincing myself that everyone else's key is what i'm missing. it would do me no good even if i had it.
she was the first woman to take me inside her. she'll always be special. she broke my heart. she'll never be forgotten. but she will be forgiven.
i've often wondered why i'm wired that way. it's a victim's mentality. and nothing pisses me off more than someone that continually plays the victim. it's more of the duality to life that i find so fascinating. i burn bright, or rather explode in a effervescent display of fireworks of passion, to only quickly burn out and loose interest. i obsess and tire, never seeing anything through to completion once the compulsion wears thin. how do i learn to burn evenly and thoroughly?
she isn't the first person to tell me i'm too hard on myself and others, even though we haven't spoken in 20 years. i'm so transparent. i'm rough on myself because i expect more from others, while i am rough on others because i expect more from myself. i live a twisted existence that i've tried to keep from my own self awareness. i'm everything i despise because i despise myself. where did this self-loathing manifest itself? what happened, or didn't happen, to make me so bitter?
my father didn't want me. my step-father didn't want me. my mother chose other issues over me. dixon didn't want me. zbt ua didn't want me. whether this is true or twisted perception is hard to quantify. but it's no wonder i'm so fucked up and angry at the world. if my perception of abandonment is true, then they all missed out on something special. it's their loss, not mine and i should give what they didn't want to those around me that do. if i'm wrong, then i need to stop being so quick to believe my life is so simple as me against the world. i continually wait for the other shoe to drop and to not be wanted so that i can be abandoned, looked over and mad as hell about it.
it fuels my existence, which is obvious to even the most obtuse as being a destructive way of life. so judgmental am i, the one fearful and angry about the judging of ones self. i've never fit in. yet, i've never allowed anyone else to fit into me either. as much as i claim to know who i am, i really have no idea. i'm conscience enough to know that i have few answers, but unwilling to look deeper into my own dysfunction.
my memory is convenient most of the time. i don't like looking at my own flaws or weaknesses. i disdain even the most constructive criticism and tips from others that want me to succeed and excel. i'm convinced that i know everything and that my opinions are correct when everyone else's are wrong. "look at me, look at me!!! i'm special. can't you see it? i'm perfect. can't you feel it?"
is everyone as fucked up as i am? i often wonder if i'm in one of those beaver cleaver false perception worlds where i think everyone around is so together, when in reality they're just as lost as i. that's what angers me about classmates. everyone is posturing and posing about how perfect their lives are. i refuse to believe it. it makes me scream, "fuck you!" at the top of my lungs. these fake bastards haven't changed a bit since high school. or is it their lives really are perfect, at least to them? perhaps they don't hold on to emotional baggage or to society's supposed expectations. life is good, they're content with what they have and what they've accomplished. they have always felt that they fit into their role in society and comfortable in their own skins. my screaming at them is like screaming at a wall. they won't hear me because they don't have to have my opinion or acceptance. their lives have met their own expectations and they are content. and i, merely jealous that they once again retain the secret to happiness that i keep overlooking.
i am convinced that there is an answer out there in the mist of reality for all my questions to life. there is an answer to creation, the meaning of life, the secret to happiness the answer to success. maybe the right answer is that there is no one answer. it's different for everyone. i can beg for the answer. i can be pissed that others have it when i think that i don't. i can be spiteful that no one will give me the answer and that they're selfishly holding on and not sharing. but they can't give it to me. their answer won't work for me. it's like a key that only fits one lock. i need to spend more time finding the key and less time convincing myself that everyone else's key is what i'm missing. it would do me no good even if i had it.
she was the first woman to take me inside her. she'll always be special. she broke my heart. she'll never be forgotten. but she will be forgiven.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
JUST ANOTHER DAY
every morning my eyes open to the nausea of impending uncertainty
i can feel the adrenaline course through my veins like a molotov iv push
pumping, flowing, seeking, churning,
i tap my foot as my pulse begins it's familiar race
desperation rears it's head within
i can't help feeling that time is running out on me
if someone would just listen
if i could just go back and do it again
you don't have any idea how important this is
i need this
please don't look to me, i don't know how to do this living thing
i don't know what i'm supposed to do
how i'm supposed to make it to nightfall
38 years and i always feel like a boy among men in the conference room
when will i know how to own a house or raise my children?
i didn't get the manual
i must've deleted the memo that showed me how to be an adult
how long will it take to give in
admit defeat to the gnarled face of contentment?
what will it take to make me happy when the list changes with every new possession i gain?
if you had any idea of how much i hurt inside you'd kill yourself from grief
i can feel the adrenaline course through my veins like a molotov iv push
pumping, flowing, seeking, churning,
i tap my foot as my pulse begins it's familiar race
desperation rears it's head within
i can't help feeling that time is running out on me
if someone would just listen
if i could just go back and do it again
you don't have any idea how important this is
i need this
please don't look to me, i don't know how to do this living thing
i don't know what i'm supposed to do
how i'm supposed to make it to nightfall
38 years and i always feel like a boy among men in the conference room
when will i know how to own a house or raise my children?
i didn't get the manual
i must've deleted the memo that showed me how to be an adult
how long will it take to give in
admit defeat to the gnarled face of contentment?
what will it take to make me happy when the list changes with every new possession i gain?
if you had any idea of how much i hurt inside you'd kill yourself from grief
HE IS RISEN
i'm just a no talent ass-clown
looking for a handout
has been
never was
cut twice
measure once
psycho lover
daddy cat
narrow minded
sarcast
bend over, baby
i'll give it with a fist
i've got so much to offer
how could you resist?
i've got your opinion
it fits you like a glove
taking all you have
is my idea of love
i'm just a loud-mouthed hypocrite
looking for a following
big idea
no plan
quick wit
slow burn
always tested
never learn
keep searching
never found
drifter
looking for a handout
has been
never was
cut twice
measure once
psycho lover
daddy cat
narrow minded
sarcast
bend over, baby
i'll give it with a fist
i've got so much to offer
how could you resist?
i've got your opinion
it fits you like a glove
taking all you have
is my idea of love
i'm just a loud-mouthed hypocrite
looking for a following
big idea
no plan
quick wit
slow burn
always tested
never learn
keep searching
never found
drifter
PANTYMIME
i used to have a brain, a real college tuned mind
now parking at the mall isn't easy to find
schedule a play-date like it's a business unit meeting
take another picture cuz precious moments are fleeting
i breed children as a job, it's now my profession
i joined the pta for my time-out session
i can fake a smile just as quick as sincerity
take another pill so i can hide my polarity
hug hug kiss kiss i do it all the time
there's no need to speak when you are a pantymime
twenty years ago i never thought i'd conform
i partied all night in the college dorm
i was gonna succeed where the hippies had failed
but since i got older my convictions have sailed
when the weather gets warmer then we'll go out boating
i'll teach you how to covet and keep up with my Jonesing
drive the kidz around in my brand new Escalade
curtsy as i enter in the after school promenade
i can fake a smile just as quick as sincerity
take another pill so i can hide my polarity
hug hug kiss kiss i do it all the time
there's no need to speak when you are a pantymime
now parking at the mall isn't easy to find
schedule a play-date like it's a business unit meeting
take another picture cuz precious moments are fleeting
i breed children as a job, it's now my profession
i joined the pta for my time-out session
i can fake a smile just as quick as sincerity
take another pill so i can hide my polarity
hug hug kiss kiss i do it all the time
there's no need to speak when you are a pantymime
twenty years ago i never thought i'd conform
i partied all night in the college dorm
i was gonna succeed where the hippies had failed
but since i got older my convictions have sailed
when the weather gets warmer then we'll go out boating
i'll teach you how to covet and keep up with my Jonesing
drive the kidz around in my brand new Escalade
curtsy as i enter in the after school promenade
i can fake a smile just as quick as sincerity
take another pill so i can hide my polarity
hug hug kiss kiss i do it all the time
there's no need to speak when you are a pantymime
MISS NORMALITY
i don't have the answers to why you cry yourself to sleep
move closer to me baby, i'm lonely when i'm dreaming without you
i can't feel whole without my fantasy filling my emptiness
so much work to believe in nothing, i'll have to quit my day job
i want to do the things that lovers do
when life means something and everything's new
i want to feel your silken hands against my skin
i want to start over, when can we begin?
i need you now more than ever before
please don't go, i'll die if you walk out the door
i want to do the things that lovers do
when life has passion and i don't play the fool
give me some brown sugar kisses so i can be your diabetic
patience is a virtue with an expiration date
but desperation never spoils over time
the more i think of you the more I loose my sense of being
i want to do the the things that lovers do
the world could make sense if we want it to
we wouldn't need much if we could be together
hold me now so i can make myself better
just one chance is all i really need
it won't take long for your love to feed
i want to do the things that lovers do
i want to be special just like you
this skin fits me so well i should shed it before it becomes me
my self fulfilling prophecy always gets inflicted on me by others
hearing your voice for the first time never gets old
i'll see you soon if i can ever get myself to sleep
i want to do the things that lovers do
i want to be special just like you
move closer to me baby, i'm lonely when i'm dreaming without you
i can't feel whole without my fantasy filling my emptiness
so much work to believe in nothing, i'll have to quit my day job
i want to do the things that lovers do
when life means something and everything's new
i want to feel your silken hands against my skin
i want to start over, when can we begin?
i need you now more than ever before
please don't go, i'll die if you walk out the door
i want to do the things that lovers do
when life has passion and i don't play the fool
give me some brown sugar kisses so i can be your diabetic
patience is a virtue with an expiration date
but desperation never spoils over time
the more i think of you the more I loose my sense of being
i want to do the the things that lovers do
the world could make sense if we want it to
we wouldn't need much if we could be together
hold me now so i can make myself better
just one chance is all i really need
it won't take long for your love to feed
i want to do the things that lovers do
i want to be special just like you
this skin fits me so well i should shed it before it becomes me
my self fulfilling prophecy always gets inflicted on me by others
hearing your voice for the first time never gets old
i'll see you soon if i can ever get myself to sleep
i want to do the things that lovers do
i want to be special just like you
REAL DEAL
i'm sorry i didn't meet your expectations
sycophantic masturbations
maybe i'm just not that type
careful what you read, don't believe the hype
coulda woulda shoulda did
i buried my guilt where my conscience hid
i've made mistakes and i'm still growing
straight ahead and never slowing
too late to go back and change what was shitty
would you like me better if it was neat and pretty?
do I disappointment you, am I tragic and gory?
i won't spin you a yarn, but i can knit you a story
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal i'm the one i need
i'm the real deal i'm the one i feed
i don't need your baggage on my back
i'm the real deal and that's a fact
i can't conform to you ideals, i'm not one of your creations
never being sure is one of life's libations
chew me up and spit me out, i'll make it hard for you to swallow
i can smell your indecision, you can't lead but you will follow
i'll let you down again if you raise me up that high
i can kick your ass lover while I show you a little thigh
i'm sorry i didn't meet your lofty expectations
sycophantic day dream masturbations
coulda woulda shoulda done
i buried my guilt with a smoking gun
i've made mistakes and i'm still growing
straight ahead and never slowing
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal i'm the one i need
i'm the real deal i'm the one i feed
i don't need your baggage on my back
i'm the real deal and that's a fact
sycophantic masturbations
maybe i'm just not that type
careful what you read, don't believe the hype
coulda woulda shoulda did
i buried my guilt where my conscience hid
i've made mistakes and i'm still growing
straight ahead and never slowing
too late to go back and change what was shitty
would you like me better if it was neat and pretty?
do I disappointment you, am I tragic and gory?
i won't spin you a yarn, but i can knit you a story
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal i'm the one i need
i'm the real deal i'm the one i feed
i don't need your baggage on my back
i'm the real deal and that's a fact
i can't conform to you ideals, i'm not one of your creations
never being sure is one of life's libations
chew me up and spit me out, i'll make it hard for you to swallow
i can smell your indecision, you can't lead but you will follow
i'll let you down again if you raise me up that high
i can kick your ass lover while I show you a little thigh
i'm sorry i didn't meet your lofty expectations
sycophantic day dream masturbations
coulda woulda shoulda done
i buried my guilt with a smoking gun
i've made mistakes and i'm still growing
straight ahead and never slowing
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal
i'm the real deal i'm the one i need
i'm the real deal i'm the one i feed
i don't need your baggage on my back
i'm the real deal and that's a fact
SOUL EATER
i walk between the raindrops
God is crying, don't know why
you can't cleanse me with your tears
no emotions, don't have time
just give me what i came here for
i won't ask nicely, i don't have to
this is what you me begged for
i can free you from your pain
did you think i'd take it for free?
i feel nothing for you
it isn't personal just how i roll
any other time we could be friends
never kiss on the mouth
now you're crying, don't know why
sleep now sugar, you're finally home
God is crying, don't know why
you can't cleanse me with your tears
no emotions, don't have time
just give me what i came here for
i won't ask nicely, i don't have to
this is what you me begged for
i can free you from your pain
did you think i'd take it for free?
i feel nothing for you
it isn't personal just how i roll
any other time we could be friends
never kiss on the mouth
now you're crying, don't know why
sleep now sugar, you're finally home
TWINS
fire up my smoke filled lungs
where snakes entwine like kissing tongues
and electric screams come from my fingers
speak for me when silence lingers
i took the monkey off my back
and sat him down upon my lap
just stick it in me, i'm your bitch
just thinking about you makes me itch
oh, the worm has turned
it's rolling in it's grave
i'm your bone box
i'm your slave
double double, toil and trouble
smoke and ashes i hear it bubble
you can't take me kicking and screaming
i'll come easy if you need me
just one life and just one chance
just one more try just one more dance
we're two sides of the same velvet sky
i can love me if i try
oh, the worm has turned
it's rolling in it's grave
i'm your bone box
i'm your slave
where snakes entwine like kissing tongues
and electric screams come from my fingers
speak for me when silence lingers
i took the monkey off my back
and sat him down upon my lap
just stick it in me, i'm your bitch
just thinking about you makes me itch
oh, the worm has turned
it's rolling in it's grave
i'm your bone box
i'm your slave
double double, toil and trouble
smoke and ashes i hear it bubble
you can't take me kicking and screaming
i'll come easy if you need me
just one life and just one chance
just one more try just one more dance
we're two sides of the same velvet sky
i can love me if i try
oh, the worm has turned
it's rolling in it's grave
i'm your bone box
i'm your slave
DEAL ME
kiss my ears with your baby doll voice
my head is resting where your heart is
i pray to you my soul to keep
just one last wish before I wake
one kiss to own me
one kiss to free me
smile at me like you do in my dream
make me feel like I'm the only one
nurse me like I'm your very own
take me inside like I never left you
one kiss to bind me
one kiss to throne me
I can't do this alone
I can't do this without you
I've never been stronger
I've never been wiser
I'm closer to the end than I am to the beginning
your face disappears with the coming light
reaching out but you don't hear me
save me again with your tear drop kisses
one kiss to save me
one kiss to kill me
I can't do this alone
I can't do this without you
I've never been stronger
I've never been wiser
my head is resting where your heart is
i pray to you my soul to keep
just one last wish before I wake
one kiss to own me
one kiss to free me
smile at me like you do in my dream
make me feel like I'm the only one
nurse me like I'm your very own
take me inside like I never left you
one kiss to bind me
one kiss to throne me
I can't do this alone
I can't do this without you
I've never been stronger
I've never been wiser
I'm closer to the end than I am to the beginning
your face disappears with the coming light
reaching out but you don't hear me
save me again with your tear drop kisses
one kiss to save me
one kiss to kill me
I can't do this alone
I can't do this without you
I've never been stronger
I've never been wiser
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